mental health

Reflecting on 40 Years

/ azlotnik / 1 Comment

This is the year I turn 40. EEK! I’ll be over the hill. My birthday is not until September, but I already feel it coming because my husband and some friends have turned 40 or will soon. I am not looking forward to turning 40–it seems so old–four decades of life. I am sure once it gets closer to my birthday, I will be looking forward to it, but it seems like something I don’t want to celebrate right now. 

I’m thankful for my life and my family. They are what keeps me going. I am fortunate to have such great people and caring friends in my corner. Life, however, does not come without struggles. These past few years have been tough for me, health-wise. As I shared in a previous post, my mental health has been challenging for me. I live life day by day. There are ups and downs, but I’m grateful to have a happy life. I can’t be happy all the time, of course, but there are more good days than bad.

I’ve been told that when you hit 40, your body starts “falling apart.” Many people experience health problems, aches, and pains not present in their 20s and early 30s. I know for me, I’ve struggled with pain for the last ten years. Sometimes it feels like my body is failing me. But I think about how it could be much worse and I’m not in terrible, excruciating pain all the time. I recently saw a meme about how when you get older and something hurts, that’s how it is now- forever. It was a joke, but it’s partially true. 

I am a mom to a great kid! He is so sweet, smart, and caring. My friendly, talkative, energetic little boy. (Who at 6.5 is not so little anymore…) I quit my job after my son was born to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t plan on it, but I am glad I spent so much time with my little one. Now that he’s in elementary school, I am at a crossroads. What do I do with my time to myself? What do I do that excites me, fulfills me, and gives me more purpose to pursue my dreams? See my related post, “The Kids Are in School, Now What?” I want a job, but I like my freedom and the time to get things done. I have always wished to have not just a job but a respected career. I’ve never been in a high-level position before. I thought that by 40, I would be in a different place in my career and have it all figured out. One day I’ll get there.

If I get a job, I still want to pick my son up from the bus and take him to activities, play with him, and help him with his homework after school. A part-time job would be ideal.  Honestly, I’m a little scared to put myself back out there. I haven’t worked in 6 years. Would employers consider me because of the large gap? What kinds of jobs am I qualified for? I have a degree in Communication, but it seems that in every job posting, I’m overqualified or don’t have enough experience. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What do I want to be when I “grow up”? More like growing old… Time will tell. Whatever happens, it is meant to be. 

Forty years of life experience. Forty is not considered as old now as it used to be. I’m happy I’m here and that I have a blessed life. Five years from now I wonder what life will look like for me.

Happy 40th Birthday to my fellow 1985 babies! And here’s to the next 40 and beyond!

A Little Bit Brave: What it’s Like to Live with Depression and Anxiety

/ azlotnik / 1 Comment

Depression. Anxiety. Mood disorders. Mental Health. Why are these words still so taboo? Why do so many people feel uncomfortable talking about this topic? Still, in 2024 there is a stigma against mental illness. Sure, it’s getting better as it becomes more socially acceptable. But why? Why should people feel afraid, uncomfortable, or even disgusted about it? They shouldn’t. Mental Illness is prevalent. It’s like having diabetes or another physical illness. Mental illness has the connotation that something is wrong with you. You’re unstable. You’re Crazy. Not fit to be a parent. Should belong in a mental hospital. That’s mostly untrue. For many, it is manageable with medication and therapy. It’s not your fault.

I suffer from mental illness, and one of my goals in life is to help erase the stigma. No one should feel ashamed for having depression/anxiety/bipolar or any other mood or mental disorder. Yet, I sometimes feel this way. It’s unfair. It’s hard and can be all-consuming.

So, I’m here to share some of my story- my struggle with mental health. It’s hard and brave, but I’m doing it so maybe others who struggle won’t feel so alone. I’m scared to put myself out there, but now is the time.

A couple of years ago, I was going through a rough patch. It was odd and came out of nowhere. I have struggled with mental health since adolescence. It was then, in 2021, that I decided to one day write a book about what I’m going through as others might relate to it. That made perfect sense to me. I’m a writer. I write what I know. I should do this.

Then, I wrote. I had great ideas. Then, I wrote some more and stopped writing. It was so hard to think back on those times when I was unwell. It was painful. One day I may finish my book. It would be a huge accomplishment. But, for now, I will share part of my story because I’m not yet strong enough to share ALL of it. 

Every day, I wake up and analyze how I feel. Am I going to have a good day or a bad day? I usually know instantly. Will I feel anxious or depressed? Or both? Or will I feel happy and positive, or somewhere in between? It’s a crap shoot. Luckily, I have noticed a pattern in my mood. I have a few good weeks, days, or even great months. Then, the depression hits. I sometimes won’t get out of bed. It’s not for the whole day but for a long time in the morning. I’m a mom, so this can be very problematic. Luckily for me, it’s been a very long time since I felt so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m also lucky I have a very supportive husband who picks up the slack in our household if needed and does his fair share at home every day. I am very thankful for him.

Some days, I feel super anxious. I can’t pinpoint what makes me feel that way. Is it a social engagement coming up? Fear of change? Nothing in particular? Some days, I feel both anxious and depressed. It sucks. My brain is in a fog. I am tired. I want to sleep. I make myself do things I don’t want to do. I handle most of my responsibilities. And by 8 p.m., I’m wiped out. I go to bed early. Sometimes, I even miss dinner. Sleep is better than feeling this way.

And then poof! A few days or a week later, I feel great again. It’s so weird. I have spoken with my doctor about it, and yes, I’m on medication. Mental illness can affect people differently, even those with the same type of illness. The medicine helps, of course, but it’s not always a miracle worker. The therapist I used to see told me that as we get older, mental illness can get worse. The medication you are on can stop working, and you may need a change. It’s a guessing game to see the right combination for you in that time of your life. You can, however, learn techniques to help manage your symptoms and recognize your triggers. 

What a bummer. How depressing is that news? (Pun intended) I have learned to make the best of it. When I’m feeling down or sad or even something entirely worse, I have a support system to lean on. When things got bad a couple of years ago, they showed up. My family and friends help me through it. I’m very thankful for them and all they do for me. 

When I’m sad, I stop reaching out. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I delay responding to texts. But they do make me feel better. To feel I’m cared about even when I don’t feel like myself or even like myself in that moment. (To be clear, I love myself, but sometimes it’s hard to.)

So, if you have a friend who suffers from mental illness, reach out to them! If you haven’t heard from them in a while, check on them! It could make their day. It could even save their life. Depression is rough. But I get by with a little help from my friends and support system. 

When I was in high school and began college, I suffered. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Back then, I don’t think there was a lot of patient education happening for kids with mental illness. I felt so alone, ashamed, and weird. A freak. So many highs and lows. Now, I’m thankful for the knowledge and understanding and how far the field has come to this day. I’m thankful the stigmas are less prominent, but there is still so much work to do.

I have much more to say, but one day, I’ll be brave enough to share it. As my son says in the videos I take of him, “That’s all for now.”

If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness, please reach out to one of the resources below. You are not alone. 

National Alliance on Mental Illness: www.NAMI.org
Depression Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK
Postpartum Depression Helpline: 1-800-PPD-MOMS
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Active Minds: www.ActiveMinds.org
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: www.dbsalliance.org
Mental Health America: https://mhanational.org