writing

Reflecting on 40 Years

/ azlotnik / 1 Comment

This is the year I turn 40. EEK! I’ll be over the hill. My birthday is not until September, but I already feel it coming because my husband and some friends have turned 40 or will soon. I am not looking forward to turning 40–it seems so old–four decades of life. I am sure once it gets closer to my birthday, I will be looking forward to it, but it seems like something I don’t want to celebrate right now. 

I’m thankful for my life and my family. They are what keeps me going. I am fortunate to have such great people and caring friends in my corner. Life, however, does not come without struggles. These past few years have been tough for me, health-wise. As I shared in a previous post, my mental health has been challenging for me. I live life day by day. There are ups and downs, but I’m grateful to have a happy life. I can’t be happy all the time, of course, but there are more good days than bad.

I’ve been told that when you hit 40, your body starts “falling apart.” Many people experience health problems, aches, and pains not present in their 20s and early 30s. I know for me, I’ve struggled with pain for the last ten years. Sometimes it feels like my body is failing me. But I think about how it could be much worse and I’m not in terrible, excruciating pain all the time. I recently saw a meme about how when you get older and something hurts, that’s how it is now- forever. It was a joke, but it’s partially true. 

I am a mom to a great kid! He is so sweet, smart, and caring. My friendly, talkative, energetic little boy. (Who at 6.5 is not so little anymore…) I quit my job after my son was born to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t plan on it, but I am glad I spent so much time with my little one. Now that he’s in elementary school, I am at a crossroads. What do I do with my time to myself? What do I do that excites me, fulfills me, and gives me more purpose to pursue my dreams? See my related post, “The Kids Are in School, Now What?” I want a job, but I like my freedom and the time to get things done. I have always wished to have not just a job but a respected career. I’ve never been in a high-level position before. I thought that by 40, I would be in a different place in my career and have it all figured out. One day I’ll get there.

If I get a job, I still want to pick my son up from the bus and take him to activities, play with him, and help him with his homework after school. A part-time job would be ideal.  Honestly, I’m a little scared to put myself back out there. I haven’t worked in 6 years. Would employers consider me because of the large gap? What kinds of jobs am I qualified for? I have a degree in Communication, but it seems that in every job posting, I’m overqualified or don’t have enough experience. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What do I want to be when I “grow up”? More like growing old… Time will tell. Whatever happens, it is meant to be. 

Forty years of life experience. Forty is not considered as old now as it used to be. I’m happy I’m here and that I have a blessed life. Five years from now I wonder what life will look like for me.

Happy 40th Birthday to my fellow 1985 babies! And here’s to the next 40 and beyond!

There are Little Eyes Upon You

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As a teen, I dabbled in poetry. I kept a poetry book that included some poems of importance to me that I found from various sources. I wrote a few of the lyrics myself. I recently discovered the book in a box of old mementos from my youth.  I was proud of my meticulously kept compilation of poems. I had a table of contents and made sure to write in my best handwriting. I chose a notebook with a space theme and aliens on the cover. Haha. My nearly 40 compiled poems spanned from 1998 to 2003, from 8th grade until my senior year of high school.

I enjoy looking back on my poems from my youth and remembering what it was like to be a teenager. I open the book and can see myself sitting on my childhood bedroom floor, leaning against my bed, writing and copying down these poems that meant so much to me at the time. I’d share one of the ones I wrote, but let’s just say the poetry was not my best work.

They say children are like sponges. Kids absorb things from their environment. They watch what their parents and caregivers do, what you say to others, how you act, their tone- everything. After becoming a mother, that stuck with me. I want to lead by a good example and teach my child how to be a good person. 

I first heard the following poem during counselor training at a summer camp I worked at one summer as a teen. “There are Little Eyes Upon You,” did not resonate with me then. I remember feeling indifferent about the poem, thinking I did not need the training.  It was a waste of my time. Yet, I later decided it was essential and included it in my poetry book.

There are Little Eyes Upon You

There are little eyes upon you,
and they watch you every day.
There are little ears that quickly
take in everything you say.

There are little hands all eager,
to do everything you do,
And a little child who’s dreaming 
of the day he’ll be like you.

You’re the little fellow’s idol,
you’re the wisest of the wise,
In his little mind about you
no suspicions ever rise.

He believes in you devoutly,
and holds true all you say and do.
He will say and do it your way
when he’s grown up just like you.

There’s a wide-eyed little fellow,
who believes you’re always right.
His ears are always open,
he watches day and night.

You are setting an example,
each day in all you do,
For the little child who’s waiting,
to grow up just like you.

Author Unknown

Parents often see the world differently than children. Adults often focus on the bad, while children see the good in everyday occurrences. For example, you may think you had a terrible day. Maybe you lost your temper and yelled at your child. Perhaps you were late getting them to school, and they missed their morning activity. You burned dinner. You rushed out early for your work meeting and didn’t get to say goodbye to your child before you left the house. Whatever the reason – it’s probably not as bad as you think. There is time to change what you think is a bad day into a good one. As they say on the popular show This is Us, “There’s no lemon so sour that you can’t make something resembling lemonade.”

Your child likely does not see the day as a bad one. They remember the good things about their day, like a spontaneous trip to get ice cream or cuddles during a bedtime story. So, the next time you think you had a bad day, remember that your child probably saw it in a different light. Our job as parents is to help guide our kids along the way, but we could learn a thing or two from our kids. I once read, “If we saw the world the way children do, the world would be a better place.” I wholeheartedly agree.

I’m not a parenting expert by far. I strive to achieve and remember the advice that I gave in this post. Sometimes, I yell at my child. I try not to, but I lose my patience quickly when my son misbehaves. I’m sure this happens to many other parents from time to time. Fellow parents, we are all definitely “growing up while raising humans.”

I hope this poem and my post resonated with you. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll write another poem.

Keep reading!

Dirty 30

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30th-birthday-640x325

This is the year all my friends and I turn 30. Since I was born in the fall, I will be one of the last ones to celebrate this dreaded birthday. When you were younger, you always thought when you’re 30, you’ll have your life together. For a lot of people, this is not the case. But hey, it’s never too late to get your shit straightened out.

By the time most people are 30 they have careers and not jobs. I wouldn’t say my current full-time job is a career, but I do enjoy editing the staff newsletter. It’s been great to write articles, edit, lead and manage a team. It’s nice to have the final say in what is published. I’ve been doing that for five years and working at the university for almost six now. I always said it was a temporary job, but its’ not so temporary after six years.

During that time, I have had the privilege to be a freelance writer/journalist at two different publications. First, at Patch.com, a community based news website. Recently, I have been given a fantastic opportunity to write for the Atlanta Jewish Times. I was even assigned a cover story for my third assignment! You can read my work here and here, and the cover story about Jewish youth conventions hosted in Atlanta here.

Another thing most people hope to do by the time they turn 30 — get married. I got engaged when I was just about 27 and married just after I turned 28. When I was younger, I thought I’d be married at 25. We all think we will accomplish life’s milestones at a younger age than we actually do. But, life happens. Since I had been in a steady relationship since college, I always knew I would eventually get married and it would happen before I turned 30. Some single people get anxious about the fact that they are 30+ without a significant other. But, it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship. And sometimes it’s best to be single and work on you for a change. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. For those who want to find love, it can be hard to meet someone. Most people I know met their husband/wife in college. But for those who didn’t, there’s always online dating. It’s getting much more common to date and meet people on online dating sites nowadays. I know many couples who have met that way and have gotten married. After all, they do match you up with people you are compatible with.

And of course, after marriage comes babies. People expect you to have children once you have been married for a while. And some ask you constantly and a lot sooner after you’re married than you think they would.  I do want to have kids one day, maybe in a few years, but I’m tired of people asking me that all the time. I can’t even say “guess what” anymore without someone saying, “Oh my God are you pregnant?”

When you’re married you have two groups of friends, those with kids and those without. And sometimes the two groups all get together, but a lot of times you only hangout with your non-parent friends. It’s harder for the parents to go out and make plans as they need to find a babysitter or they just don’t go out as often. I would imagine that families with kids usually hang out with other families who have kids more often than with couples who aren’t parents. That’s just how it works. But, someday I’ll be in the mommy club. I just want to enjoy being married for a while before I have kids.

When most people turn 30, they just feel old. You’re no longer a 20 something. Now you really feel like an adult. The older we get we have more responsibilities. You can’t count on handouts from mom and dad anymore (well most of the time). At least I am usually told, “You’re married now, I’m not paying for that anymore.” I guess being married really classifies you as an adult to most parents of 20/30 somethings.

My husband just turned 30 last week. It’s a big milestone to celebrate. We actually celebrated about four times with dinners, family and friends. I will turn 30 in September, and I’m not too thrilled. Some people look forward to turning 30. Most people I know dread it. However you look at it, at least you’re still here and at least you’ve matured. Well, most people can say that!

Here’s to turning 30!

Dirty Thirty with Martini